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of nothingness
Aug. 13th, 2010
06:37 pm - Dear Journal
I'm not okay. This is not okay. I don't feel like me anymore. Today was like some weird anomoly of nature where what I was feeling was externalized and expressed in the world around me. An autistic child in our md unit screamed, screamed as if his heart were being ripped to shreds. For a moment,my face blanched and I thought such horrible agony was escaping me. I can't scream and cry like that at school! Then as I realized that the pain he was screeching to the universe was indeed my pain, my mood darkend in collusion with the clouds. That storm was my misery and frustration, the thunder my anger, the lightening flashes of maternity that I am not experiencing. Yeah, I'd love to have morning sickness right now.
I don't feel like me anymore. I honestly cant tell if I am irritable or my students are annoying. But I do know that I don't have a firm grip on myself quite yet. Normal people don't have nightmares of such astonishing clarity. I usually don't break completely down over inconsequential things. Like lunch. I forgot my lunch. In the fog of insanity and plans and clothes that is our morning ritual, I packed my lunch then left it on the counter. When I realized this ommission of victuals, I paniced. And yes, the evil courtney that torments my depressed self actually had the balls to say, "It's probably a good thing that you don't have a kid, since you can't even remember your fucking lunch." Yeah, she went there. I, of course, dissolved into tears in my classroom mere minutes before my students would be arriving and called my mother. Then I was embarasssed about calling my mother, then I cried some more.
I'm not okay. this is not okay. I called my doctor. I'm going to the pharmacy. I'm going to take anti-depressants, those pills to which I have so long been opposed. I'm going to let zombie courtney live my life for a while, cause this simply hurts too much.
Jul. 31st, 2010
02:12 pm - Dear Journal,
Dear Journal,
I thought I was getting better at holding myself together. That's not entirely true. i'm just better at holding it together when other people are around. I can't be alone and not cry. I miss Jason and I wish he would hurry home from work. Today, in an effort to stay busy and not thinking, I've cleaned the garage, done laundry, organized my closet, and avoided the room. I've cried. I cried while loading the washer, folding socks, putting away towels, sweeping. Oh journal. I don't understand! We want our baby so much and we just can't....why? I want to understand so that I can accept it for what its worth and move on. Why?
I want to hold my child in my arms. I want to hear her cry and watch him laugh. I want my baby. I want to breathe a full deep breath without feeling like my very heart is ripping open.
And I want to stop having dreams. Nightmares where a shark chases us and I could get away if I would throw the baby overboard. I can't wake as I watch the beast snap off my arms as they clutch my child. Nightmares where evil men are chasing me through a complicated building that has dead end after dead end and I can't get away. Ihave to hide and double back and get lost and hide again. Nightmares where I can hear a baby crying, screaming for comfort and i can't find it. I can't find my baby.
Why journal? Why us? Not that I would wish this hell on anyone else, but why? We were so excited and so ready. Why did they let us hear the heartbeat, the precious pounding heart and then let it stop? why did my baby's heart stop beating? was it something I did, something I didn't do? Who or what in the universe could hate us this much, what lesson are we to learn from this? Why?
and how long must I feel this way? how long will this hurt this bad? how can I move on?
Please help! I need you Journal.
Me.
Jul. 29th, 2010
04:11 pm - Dear Journal
Dear Journal,
How can the world end so quickly without a sound? We were excited, beyond excited. We are responsible, stable adults with a secure warm home. We wanted to welcome our child into this home, love and raise our child with a firm and persistent love. For the past three months our thoughts have been full of all things baby: cribs, clothes, diapers, mobiles, pacifiers, doctors. How do we fill that void?
We went to the hospital convinced that we would be told that everything was okay. We were worried first timers, this was normal, right? We waited, weekends in the ER are nothing to joke about, even here in a small community. We waited and I almost convinced myself to go home when they finally called us back to a room. An exam, blood drawn, samples. Not sure, go for an ultra sound. Thank god that tech was sensitive and kind. She was gentle when she told us that no, I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat.
There had been! there used to be. There should be. There was none. No. No. I want my baby. I want my baby. Why? Why? Why? The earth shattered and fell crashing around us in tons of concrete guilt and rage and doubt. Why? Our hopes crumpled and fell to the floor with our tears. Why? That bundle of endless possibilites, bright future, gone. No one can tell us why
The hospital kept us for a D&C. I slept little, cried heavily, became numb. I still haven't accepted this. I still hope that it isn't true. I still want my baby, MY BABY in January like we wanted and planned and hoped. No one can tell us why, so how can we accept this?
Physically I'm fine. In my brain I know that I will be okay. My heart is broken and my earth has shattered, but I will be okay...eventually. I hope that you never have to feel like this, I hope that this tragedy this loss never happens to you. I have the audacity to hope in the spite of it all. And I still want my baby.
Jun. 24th, 2010
10:40 pm - oh...yeah...
So much for my short lived live journal revolution, huh?
The fact is, I kinda got distracted. Which is, more than anything, the reason I stopped using this account in the first place. Life got in the way as life is inclined to do. You know how it is: work, home, dishes, social life, homework, classes, taxes, and death all leering at you as you try to type a few measly paragraphs to maintain your sanity or keep in touch. Seriously though, I've always been an over-booker. It is not enough to be a full time school teacher, I must also coach a colorguard, and be on a committee, and host a dinner, and plan a cook-out, and be in a play. Because who really needs free time and who likes hearing that word, "no."
I've always been a bit of a pushover for things like this. My brain cells and body could both be crying for a reprieve, a break, a day off and I'd answer each request with, sure, when is good for you? Seriously? What is my malfunction? Mus I live my life as a doormat. Not to mention a perfectionist, because it is true that I'm finishing up a master's degree in which I EARNED a 4.0 and in which I got really upset over a couple of papers that earned a score of...wait for it....91. That's right, its still an A dammit, but it's not a high enough A. These unrealistic expectations I've set for myself have haunted and hunted me throughout my life.
But, hopefully, not anymore. I just attended the last class session in my master's program. All I have left is an online final and I am done. I am pregnant. I've begun to use that n-word that often leaves my tongue feeling as if it were glued to the roof of my mouth. Do I want to help you move furniture, no. Do I want to wash down walls, no. Will I run band camp outdoors in 103 degree heat, um, no. Don't I want to start my second masters immediately, NO. See, it just takes practice. And I have to get used to saying this word...nnnnnooooohhhhhh. And here's why.
I want to be a good mom.
I want so badly to be a mom that a kid looks forward to seeing at the end of the day. I want to be the kind of mom that goes outside and plays with my child. I want to be a role model, a buddy, a friend, a playmate, a whatever-my-child-may-need-at-the-moment-k
So no. I'll be busy for the next few years. I'll be rocking and cuddling, teaching and holding, loving and nuzzling, admiring and always, always loving this amazing creation moving toward existance. I'm sure you'll understand.
May. 18th, 2010
08:16 am - Holiday World Day
Horray It's Holiday World Day!
I am ridiculously excited for several reasons, the first being that I am a coaster junkie. While this park is small, they do have three solid wooden coasters. The park is close to home, cheap, clean, and offers free drinks all day long.
Add to this the fact that I am wearing a new size. When we visited Jason's parents this winter, his mom broke out a box full of Jason's old concert t-shirts. At the time, they looked like a second skin when I tried them on. Now, they fit comfortably and a couple of them are a little baggy. So I'm wearing a smashing pumpkins t-shirt on our coaster trip today.
And this is also the first day that we have had off together since...spring break maybe? And we get to spend the day doing totally awesome things. I love it! ONe of the things that made me fall for Jason back in the day was the fact that he loved cheescake and rollercoasters. Juvenille, I know, but I still love him and we are going to enjoy our Holiday World Day together!!!
Yay!!
May. 12th, 2010
05:20 pm - one of those days
It's been one of those days.
I've been unreasonably angry for no reason. I've had vivid dreams that I consciously know are dreams, but upset me anyway. So when I have to deal with people that I don't necessarily like, I feel like ripping their heads off and vomiting down thier throats.
Yeah, one of those days.
Where everyone has something to tell me and none of it is good. Like my scoring session is a day early, my printing is a day late, my room will be half the size it is now during the next school year, no one gets along, everyone's angry and everyone lost weight this week except me. I've gained nearly 4 pounds.
One of THOSE days.
Don't talk to me, don't look at me, do something to get this freakin band music out of my head. Don't cross me, don't laugh....
one of those days.
fuck.
May. 7th, 2010
03:48 pm - excuse me Mr. Rhino
but would you please get off my head? Seriously. I have such a sinus headache right now.
Sorry, but that's all Ive got for today.
May. 5th, 2010
08:35 pm - como se dice pop corn freakin hull en espanol?
I have a pop corn freakin hull stuck over my upper left canine tooth. Floss doesnt even come close to getting it out. I have an unhealty obsession with popcorn and my current favorite is Orville Redenbacher's Simply Salted. This is why there is none in the house. We shouldn't buy it anymore because I go cookie monster on some popcorn in this house.
By the way, I lost four tenths of a pound after cheating big time yesterday. But I busted my but at fitness class and walked and did leg workouts after we got home. Today my thighs ache, but I can still walk. Keep pushing, keep believing, keep going.
Today I got my new Spanish speaking student to talk to me. I speak broken Spanish, he speaks broken English and he laughs at my mistakes. But, for the first time, he smiles at school and today he told me about his two sisters and three brothers...in Spanish. I understood about every other word and was able to nod and laugh in the socially appropriate places. I feel as if we've bonded.
Nothing much more to report. Oh, we got special permission from the state to push our next round of testing up...just incase the encroaching flood cuts off the road to the school. God willing and the creek don't rise, we may get out of school before July.
I'm out.
May. 4th, 2010
05:27 pm - Sundae tuesday
Today was the ice cream sundae reward. Testing is halfway finished, so we rewarded the kids with make it yourself sundaes. I get to squirt the whipped cream on the sundaes and it is one of my favorite jobs all year long. The cans spray a fine mist of whipped cream all over the students and its funny. AFter every one has been served, I go around the cafeteria giving extra squirts. Its a day when hearing Ms. Peek, Ms. Peek, Ms. Peek isn't, for whatever reason, annoying.
Then I cheated...big time. Now, I've lost 30 pounds since January mind you. I've worked hard, sweat buckets, and built muscles in places that I didn't know existed. But today, I wanted ice cream because 140 people were very happily eating ice cream in front of me. So I ate the bowl with the smallest scoop with a tiny bit of caramel and one small squirt of fat free whipped cream. Then I had a hand full of M&M's, and a coke, and a caramel candy....once I started I kept on going. Damn, damn, damn.
I will not beat myself up over this. I have fitness class in 30 minutes and I will do an extra mile after class. And when I weigh tomorrow and see an increase, I will remind myself of the ice cream with caramel, M&M's, Coke and caramel candy...then add an extra mile to tomorrow's plan as well.
I can do this. I can. I will lose another 30 pounds this year. Besides, what fun is life without a little ice cream on a sunny day?
May. 3rd, 2010
08:48 pm - I'm back...
Ahh...Livejournal. This used to be a happening place where I could talk to everybody via posts.
Now, since I've noticed no one posting on the friends page for quite a while, I've decided to come back. Maybe I'll start a revolution in which we take the internet back from trendy tweeters and in your facebook accounts.
Likely not.
Instead I'll just post my random thoughts and struggles and launch them into the abyss of the internet where they might echo and resonate with no one but myself.
And that's okay too.
I'm 30 years old. My illusions of grandeur have faded. My words will not alter the course of this reality. I'm okay with this as well.
Here's to silence and the anonymous abyss of the web world....
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